I remember the exact moment I picked it up.
Isla was 5.
A pediatric neurologist had just told me that my daughter had autism and then he interrupted my endless loop of no’s and never’s playing out in my brain to say, “I know this is hard and unfair, but all of her future depends on you.”
And so, I picked it up – and I fought.
I fought…
Mediocre medical systems.
Bizarre special education systems.
Social norms and societal pressure.
Ableism.
Cultural stigma.
Insurance loopholes.
Financial hardship.
Grief.
Disappointment.
Judgement.
Isolation.
Breast cancer.
New diagnoses were added and added and added to our Isla.
I fought…
for accessibility.
for equipment.
for supplies.
for my own sanity.
to remain a believer.
to be a present mom to my other children.
to be a great wife to my husband.
to be a good friend to many.
to create spaces for women like me to be heard and seen.
to be “normal” at work and still advance in my career.
to stay busy and distracted.
to be understood.
It has been 12 years since that day.
Some of these battles I won and many, I lost.
For this doctor visit, I asked for Isla to not be present.
It was supposed to be an appointment with a newly assigned neurosurgery team at one of the leading pediatric hospitals in the country, so when the nurse practitioner walked in alone, my whole body instinctively braced.
“You have a thousand challenges ahead of you. Surgery is not one of them nor will surgery of any kind alleviate any of those challenges. I’m so sorry Mrs. Peña. There is nothing more we can do.”
I asked to sit alone for a few minutes. Then, in that exam room, I put down my sword.
It had been easy to pick up.
Very hard to carry.
Exponentially more difficult to lower.
I smiled as I left and said a prayer for the next person who would soon enter that same room – and pick it up.
If quitting is for cowards, surrender feels reserved for the brave.
Now that both of my hands are free, I’m praying for clarity on new ways to serve, fresh perspective that allows me to cherish what is, and I’m holding on tight to this truth – peace is impossible when you are wielding a sword.