PDA: Isla in the Community

April 24, 2020 No Comments

One of the biggest misconceptions, or exceptions to autism that Isla exhibits is the fact that she is not antisocial.

Most people, when they think about autism, picture a withdrawn, antisocial person who prefers to live, play and work alone.

This could not be further from the truth for my Isla, and many other families I know with autistic children even in the absence of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA).

Isla LOVES people and places. Now, she does require a heads up and plenty of social stories in advance, and she does get tired much faster than most but still, she craves social interaction.

When we are driving somewhere, Isla has always been able to remember and identify all of the vehicles that belong to her family members and friends. We will be driving and all of a sudden Isla will say, “Mom, look! You friend car.” I will see a vehicle in front of me that looks like my friends, but I remain skeptical until I drive up beside them, sure enough, my buddy is inside waving back.

When we are out and about in our community it never fails, at least one time during our trip Isla will recognize a face. It’s pretty incredible. She will look at me with wide eyes and point at someone and just look at my face and try to read me to see if I recognize the person too so I can tell her their name. When she realizes that I don’t know that person, she will stare the person down, or wave and sure enough… IT NEVER FAILS… the person will light up and almost yell back, “Isla! Hi! It’s so good to see you!”

OMG.

**Then I have to ask (of course) how they know each other or when they met Isla and it’s a whole awesome thing.**

Chick Fil A is Isla’s favorite place in the world. Really. She walks in like she owns the place. She says “hi” to everyone and once I even heard her say “my pleasure.” This girl.

She likes to “help” me order and has her own “pretend” card that the cashier always so graciously allows her to “scan”. When we are there, she takes care of us all. She wants to get everyone napkins and straws and she is just so attentive to our needs like it’s her own kitchen and she is the hostess.

In grocery stores she sits in the cart.

Yeah. I know.

Let’s talk about this.

Isla is over 5ft tall now and weighs a little over 100lbs. Yes. She sits in the cart.

She is not lazy, sometimes legitimately tired, but not lazy. I think, just speculating, the grocery store for her is sensory overload but not in a negative way… kind of in a “I-love-people-watching-so-much-and-the-sights-and-sounds-are-a lot-and-I-can’t-concentrate-on-walking-and-staying-close-to-my-mom” kind of way.

So she sits in the cart and I am OK with that.

I wrote a whole thing about this exact topic that made national social media outlets sometime last year. I’ll put the link right here in case you need a good laugh-cry.

It is very rare that we have “difficult behavior” in the community related to PDA because we allow Isla to be as independent as possible, reword demands constantly, make her the perceived leader and let her be herself.

We have had way more positive experiences in our community than negative but what is the most fascinating about Isla is the way she can read people.

SHE KNOWS IMMEDIATELY HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER AND HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT YOU. For real.

She reads body language like no one else I know. She senses your attitude, your vibe, without you saying a word. When you get near her you can feel her scan your face. It’s almost as if she knows she won’t understand everything that comes out of your mouth, so she wants to get as many body language cues as possible before you speak so she can figure out how to respond.

It’s fascinating. Isla was and is fascinating.

I want to leave you with an excerpt from my book, “Waiting for the Light Bulb”…

“One of the first times I noticed this special thing was on a routine trip to the grocery store, just Isla and me. Isla loved being out and about, but her attention span was so limited that I usually had to speed through stores like I was on a game show. I had a no-fail system. First, find a mini bag of Cheetos. Second, quickly head to the fresh produce and open the bag for her. I had until that mini bag of Cheetos was all eaten up to be in the checkout line, or I was in big trouble. I’d become such a champ at speed grocery shopping that, on this trip, I made it to the checkout line with a couple of Cheetos to spare. I started unloading my groceries onto the grocery conveyer belt when I noticed the cashier. Actually, I smelled the cashier. The line was filled with heavy smoke and cheap cologne. As the smell wrapped around me and lingered, I glanced up and saw an older gentleman, probably late 60s, behind the register. His hair was gray and not well kept.

He was wearing what looked like the entirety of his quite-eclectic jewelry collection, and his belly was sticking out of the bottom of his black shirt, which was worn so thin it was almost transparent. So after a couple of sneezes, I started hustling and loaded the conveyer belt as fast as I could, eager to get out of that line. Meanwhile my little girl was sitting in the front seat of the grocery basket, mesmerized, staring intently at all of him. I finished unloading and then moved my cart up toward the bagger, putting Isla almost directly in front of the cashier. She looked at him, giggled, smiled her big smile, and said, “You so cute!” I looked at her and then looked at him, and we were both equally shocked.

We awkwardly giggled, but before I could say anything, the cashier handed her a sticker and said, “Well if that is your way of asking for a sticker, then here you go.” Isla grabbed it from him and put it right on her shirt. She was so happy she was completely lit up, inside and out. “I wuv you!” she blurted.

The cashier was quick and witty. “All the ladies do” he said.

I believe without a shadow of a doubt and with all my heart that Isla sees people through God’s eyes. She sees people the way God sees people. She really sees them. She passes no judgment and no skepticism. She loves without needing a reason to love. She offers kindness without being asked. Isla’s innocence is both terrifying and refreshing. That was one of the first “mommy lessons” that Isla has taught me.”