PDA: 6th Characteristic – What we do…

April 15, 2020 No Comments

Ready for some great HINTS and TIPS for the 6^th characteristic?

You will start to see that many strategies we use overlap.

Let’s dive in!

Reminder: The 6th characteristic of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is obsessive behavior, often focused on people.

So let’s talk about Isla’s obsession with people, planned events, and songs and how we help her and ourselves to live with this unique component of PDA.

PEOPLE

Right now as I type this, our country is in the trenches fighting COVID-19. My grandfather, my father’s father, was recently transferred from his nursing home to his actual home due to an outbreak in his facility.

My dad volunteered to stay with him for the 14-day quarantine period seeing as he requires 24/7 care.

My grandparent’s home, where my grandfather is staying, is right next to my home.

If you haven’t made the connection yet let me be clear.

Isla is now very aware that one of her favorite people in the world, her grandfather, my dad, is living RIGHT NEXT TO HER and SHE CAN’T GO SEE HIM.

Typically, this would mean she would ask to visit him HUNDREDS of times per day. BUT guess what? She has asked ZERO times. You know why? Higher authority.

We talked about higher authority in the second post of this series. I know it sounds simplistic but placing the demand (you can’t see your grandfather) on an unseen authority figure somehow lessens the present visible demand. Right now, that “authority figure” is COVID-19.

Isla knows there is a “virus”. She knows it is dangerous because she has seen our faces and body language react as we have talk about it with each other for weeks now. So what I assumed would be a tremendous challenge, was no big deal.

BUT let’s go back to pre-COVID days. If higher authority is not an option, we use calendars and distraction like no other family I know.

**When I say calendars I mean a drawn image with boxes and days of the week for 1 week only and big circles and Xs leading up to the big day she gets to see her grandparents (or any planned event).**

Regular calendar templates are way too busy for my girl.

Distraction. Distraction. Distraction.

Let’s say Isla is on request number 112 to go see her grandma. I will say, “Isla! I have a great idea! Let’s paint a beautiful picture for grandma’s fridge so we can take it when we go see her?” OR “Hum, I really want to make cookies and deliver them to grandma tomorrow. I can’t remember how to make them. Can you help me?” OR “Hey Isla, do you want to go lay on the trampoline together? You can tell me all the things you love to do with grandma.”

As far as the Santa app is concerned… guys, I pick my battles wisely. I have embraced Santa. I love him too. I talk to him too. He is quite agreeable and always tells me yes. Make sure the app is not creepy or spying on your kiddo or charging you $12.99 a month, and then just give in.

PLANNED EVENTS

OK this one is tricky. First understand that Isla thrives on information. She needs to know where we are going and when and what it will look like, etc. so that she can cope and enjoy those events without huge behavior issues.

HOWEVER, she also has no sense of time so to her, for her brain, as soon as a birthday party or beach day or field trip is mentioned… her brain starts to process that experience INSTANTLY. And her brain makes it look very fun so her body wants that experience INSTANTLY.

This actually happens to everyone but we have ways to cope with “waiting”, Isla does not.

The calendars I mentioned earlier help a ton but there is a fine line between not telling Isla at all about an event and telling her with just enough time for her to process the information.

Here is another example of a calendar we use. Calendars like this are usually somewhere next to her bed or on the fridge.

For us, I have found that 12-24 hours before an event is the best time to tell Isla about a planned event. this gives her time to process and ask questions and avoids too many days of incessant questioning and her begging for the event to start. This requires A LOT of communication with family, friends, and teachers.

It is very important that we DO NOT USE PLANNED EVENTS as a form of DISTRACTION for other characteristics.

For example, let’s say Isla is visiting a family member and is having a hard time with an angry mood swing. To distract her the family member says, “Hey Isla maybe next week you can have a sleep over with us! It will be fun! We can make popcorn and watch movies. What do you think?”

Guys. If this family member does not follow through… if that sleepover does not happen…oh my Lord. Isla does not forget. EVER. She will ask about this sleep over all week on the daily and if it happens, great. If it doesn’t not only does she feel wildly out of control of the situation but she also feels “rejection”. Rejection is another feeling that she doesn’t know how to handle without destructive behavior.

Here is a school example.

Isla is having a hard time in class. It is math time and she hates math and worksheets and she feels dumb and out of control and she starts kicking and saying mean things.

Let’s say an administrator passes by the class and peeks in.

He or she knows Isla well and they know distraction, not punishment is best in these scenarios. So they say, “Isla later this afternoon I have to deliver notes to all the classrooms to go home in the students backpacks. Would you like to help me pass those out to each class?”

Isla is elated. She gets to be a special helper, gets to get a break from class, and will take a walk with someone “in charge”. BUT can you see how this will be disastrous for the classroom teacher if this administrator forgets to come get Isla that afternoon? Isla will ask all day and if it doesn’t happen… again, lack of control, behavior issues and rejection.

Summary. Visual Calendars. Time the heads up to what works for you and yours. KEEP YOUR WORD.

SONGS

The fact that Isla gets stuck on a song for days and weeks and months is not really a problem until it is. And it is a problem because Isla has a sister and a brother who equally get tired of “Staying Alive” after the second time around.

June loves KIDZBOP. Major loves it all but not the same thing over and over again.

So basically we let Isla listen to whatever song she wants when she wants however many times she wants IF it doesn’t affect the mood and sanity of our children.

When it does affect the mood and sanity of our children it’s time to get creative.

If we are in the car and Isla is playing the same song over and over and the other kiddos are getting anxious I make Isla the “song leader”.

This goes kinda like this…

“Hey Isla girl I have a great idea! How about you be the song leader and you decide who can pick a song next. I really want to go first but you can pick because you are the leader.”

Isla gets all giggly and looks around at her brother and sister who are by this point raising their hand or yelling, “Me! Me! Me!”

Isla will say, “OK June you first because I the leader. What song you want?”

This sounds easy right? BUT do you know how many years we fought this? You and I both know that most families when presented with this situation would say, “Isla take turns. You have to take turns. It is not fair to June and Major. No more Isla. Stop pressing play.”

For Isla, a child with PDA, she needs to feel in control at all times. Without “perceived” control Isla’s anxiety will rise quickly leading to panic and behavior issues and probably more yelling and screaming from a fed up momma and siblings.

Friends, I say this EVERY POST but it is important… this is not about being spoiled. This is not about being bad. This is not about being selfish. This is the way her brain works. Period.

When it comes to siblings the idea that has saved me as a mother is simple, FAIR DOES NOT MEAN THE SAME. My children need different things and approaches to help them live their best life and Isla lives her best life as a song leader.

Society would say we “give in” a lot to Isla but when you view it as compassion for a person that learns different than you, a person differently wired… it’s not giving in.

It’s actually the ultimate gift to create an environment where someone is allowed to be themselves and learn and live how their brain prefers to learn and live.

REMINDER. DISCLAIMER. These examples and scenarios and strategies are what work for ISLA. They work for Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). They work for us. I am not a therapist. I am not a teacher. I am just a momma. A momma that has become a great investigator and scientist when it comes to MY daughter so please, take what you find helpful and respect what you don’t find useful.