I’ve already shared with you the 2nd characteristic of PDA which was that these children appear sociable but lack depth of understanding.
Some quick summary points related to this was Isla’s constant hand-holding, (which is so sweet for some and super annoying and even scary to others), confusing behaviors like hugging one second and pinching the next. Lastly, the lack of seeing the “pecking order” of things makes Isla feel like a real adult. In her mind, she IS an adult. (i.e. the pic above of Isla grabbing one of the two robes in our hotel room, because OBVIOUSLY one is for her.)
Soooo what do we do? How can we help? What can teachers do? What can parents do?
The very first thing to do is throw away all your pride and ego and traditional views of education and parenting.
Why?
Well, specifically with PDA, this particular characteristic may seem rehearsed, fake or look like the child is acting. And for Isla, it is. She has to mimic people and repeat lines she rehearsed because SHE DOESN’T KNOW how to naturally interact in some situations.
Isla needs to feel in control at all times. This is not being spoiled. This is not being bad. This is not being manipulative. This is how she survives in a world that is confusing to her. This is the way her brain works. Period.
You will have to do what society calls “give in” a lot but when you view it as compassion for a person that learns different than you, a person differently wired… it’s not giving in.
It’s actually the ultimate gift to create an environment where someone is allowed to be themselves and live and interact how their brain prefers to live and interact.
Now for some quick and easy strategies that Isla’s teachers and I have used to help Isla the past 2 years.
LIVE Social Stories.
(YouTube also works wonders.)
School example:
The teacher notices that Isla is struggling during PE time. There are so many students on one playground for PE and Isla sometimes steps right in the middle of kids playing and gets hurt or she interrupts a game and the other students get annoyed which makes Isla sad and sometimes aggressive. The teacher and me decide that it is too dangerous to leave Isla alone for PE so a paraprofessional has to be with her at all times. At first, Isla likes the comfort of an adult but quickly Isla notices that students tend to stay away from her because her para is always with her and Isla starts kicking and hitting the para because she is frustrated.
Let’s try this again.
The teacher notices that Isla is struggling during PE time. There are so many students on one playground for PE and Isla sometimes steps right in the middle of kids playing and gets hurt or she interrupts a game and the other students get annoyed which makes Isla sad and sometimes aggressive. The teacher and me decide together that we need to use Isla’s strength of mimicking to our and her advantage. At school the teacher uses a YouTube video as a social story to show Isla different scenarios of kids playing on a playground. The video shows kids asking politely to join a game of tag and shows how to walk around a group of students who are playing catch so you don’t get hit. I decide to mimic those same scenarios at home but LIVE with our family. After watching the video, Isla’s family reenacts those same scenes but in their front yard. Isla now feels entertained and happy and her mind is now prepared to mimic those same things at school.
IMPORTANT: Many will read this and say, “Oh, Isla obviously does not have common sense and common sense can’t be taught.”
WRONGO!
Every brain, including yours dear reader, can be trained to do incredible things. Just because I don’t know how to change the oil in my car does not mean I don’t have common sense. It means if you show me, step by step, I can learn how.
Home example:
We continue to have issues when it comes to craft time. When Isla sits down at a table with her brother and sister she will argue and fight for whatever marker they have, or whatever paint they picked up, even if there are 20 other options. Again, I know as her momma that this is all about control. She feels out of control. She is not trying to cause trouble. So, I can rant and raise my voice and say things like, “Isla stop it! There are 20 other markers. If you can’t share you can’t do a craft today.” Oh momma. Then things will get cray cray quick.
Let’s try this again.
It’s craft time and we are going to paint. I pull up a how-to tutorial on YouTube of a girl drawing and painting a donut (Isla’s favorite dessert.) Then Isla wants all of the paint colors the girl in the video has… perfect. So while Isla watches the YouTube video she mimics the girl drawing and painting and her bother and sister work on their own projects. Meanwhile Isla will be given periodic praise. “Wow! You guys really need to see this, Isla is doing great!”
Make her the “perceived” leader. ALWAYS.
School example:
The teacher needs to spend a few minutes with an administrator that popped into the classroom for a quick chat. This is hard for Isla because she doesn’t know what the conversation is about, attention is taken away as the teacher is busy, and Isla is not in control of anything at that moment. So, Isla will talk loudly, or call the teachers name a zillion times, or start moving her desk, or try any other way to keep her teacher’s attention. For every time the teacher turns and directs Isla to quiet down, or wait her turn, or stop talking… well you get the idea.
Let’s try this again.
The teacher needs to spend a few minutes with an administrator that popped into the classroom for a quick chat. She knows this is hard for Isla so she asks Isla for help. “Hey Isla, so and so needs to talk to me and I really needed to pass out these worksheets but now I can’t. Can you be in charge and hand these worksheets out and let me know when you are done?” Guys, this makes Isla almost skip in excitement. She feels in control, helpful and valuable. Aren’t those all the ways you want to feel in your life? AND… just in case… if the conversation goes a little long and Isla is done passing out worksheets, then the teacher has a box of pencils strategically close by because seriously, the classroom needs 100 pencils sharpened pronto! *wink wink Be creative!
Home example:
June comes home each day with homework. Isla does too, but usually she opts out. (LOL) HOWEVER, when I have to sit with June and really focus on this freaky weird new math and help her with spelling and timing her as she reads her Fox Words, Isla struggles. Isla will call my name over and over, push my chair, try to pull the worksheet out from under June’s nose, etc. The usual stuff like threats and yelling and physically moving her away just exacerbate the whole darn dramatic scene. When my attention is on June that means it is not on Isla and that takes away her control.
Let’s try this again.
June comes home each day with homework. Isla does too, but usually she opts out. (LOL) HOWEVER, when I have to sit with June and really focus on this freaky weird new math and help her with spelling and timing her as she reads her Fox Words, Isla struggles. So I have to somehow include Isla and make her the perceived leader instead of shooing her away. So I say, “Isla! June has to do homework and she needs our help! Can you get the clipboard and timer so we can help June finish on time to play outside?” June smirks. She knows this game already. Isla literally jumps up, “Oh yes! June, I help you. I know. I bigger. I know homework.” Isla sits there and scribbles and I have to make sure and involve her every step of the way. “Hey Isla what do you think the answer is?” “Hum, Isla how are we doing on the timer?” Be creative!
Timed. Supervised. Play dates with KIND children.
School example:
I am going to change it up here a bit. Mainly because what I am going to describe is something that Isla has never been a part of.
Some schools call it the “best buddy” or “peer buddy” or “buddy-building” program where a general education student is paired with a special education student solely for the purpose of social interaction. What better way to teach Isla how to play and communicate than with real live practice?
The biggie here is that the general education student has to be kind. They have to understand the circumstances. They have to be patient. They have to be educated on the diagnosis or special need their buddy has so they can accommodate and react appropriately.
Imagine for a minute that someone like Isla has her own “best buddy”. A girl or boy that knows all about Isla and her family and is in her grade. A girl or boy that meets her on the playground and introduces her to new friends while protecting her if needed. A girl or boy that meets her in the cafeteria to chat or just sit quietly as they enjoy their lunch.
Just the thought of this makes me emotional. It is hands down one of the most common concerns and sources of pain and sadness for mommas of special needs children when I talk to them. Our children do not have friends.
If you are reading this and work in a school district… BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE!
Home example:
Isla has three female cousins that are very close to her age. A couple of them are our neighbors. This is a huge blessing for our family but presents problems when Isla is not supervised and/or when play dates go to long or too late.
So when I am watching, and when I time the playdate and notice quickly when Isla’s body language tells me she has had enough, the social interaction is life-changing for Isla.
But a big part of this equation is the three cousins. Neither me or their mommas hide anything from them when it comes to Isla. They know all about her. They know she is different. They know when she is around they will need to be more patient. They know when to ask for adult help. They don’t see her as a burden, they see her as family. Family that needs to be protected more than most, not ignored and left out.
This requires candid, honest conversations and a lot of trial and error. It also requires everyone involved understanding that they are all kids. Kids mess up. Kids say the wrong things. Kids also are usually highly underestimated in how much they can understand about special needs children.
Kindness for special needs children is learned. It is practiced. As parents, let’s be their best teacher and give them LIVE social stories of kindess every day.
REMINDER. DISCLAIMER. These examples and scenarios and strategies are what work for ISLA. They work for Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). They work for us. I am not a therapist. I am not a teacher. I am just a momma. A momma that has become a great investigator and scientist when it comes to MY daughter so please, take what you find helpful and respect what you don’t find useful.
