I’ve already shared with you the 1st characteristic of PDA which was resisting and avoiding the “ordinary” demands of life usually by distracting the person making the demand, incapacitating themselves, or through physical outbursts/attacks.
Another quick reminder from the last post… straightforward refusal and explosive behavior are all forms of PANIC resulting from severe ANXIETY.
Soooo what do we do? How can we help? What can teachers do? What can parents do?
The very first thing to do is the toughest and the most overlooked step from my experience…
OBSERVE and EXPERIMENT.
How can you help lessen an anxiety when you don’t know where the source is?
In the worksheet scenario from the last post… is it the actual paper? A learning disability? The chair of the desk is uncomfortable? Does she always do this for any activity at the desk even if it’s hands on? Is she sitting next to someone who is loud or distracting to her senses? If the worksheet is coloring only and not math does the same outburst happen?
Then comes trial and error. Observation is crucial because we now have to constantly change the environment and factors of a situation to determine what to focus on.
Seriously, the best special education teachers I have come across are the best “investigators”, the best “detectives”, the best “scientists” testing controls and hypotheses. Every difficult or challenging behavior should be the premise of helpful experiments not continued punishment.
Now that you have observed and think you know where the anxiety stems from, now it’s time to throw away all your pride and ego and traditional views of education and parenting.
Why?
Well, specifically with PDA, this high level of anxiety leading to panic stems from a LACK OF CONTROL. Isla needs to feel in control at all times. This is not being spoiled. This is not being bad. This is the way her brain works. Period.
You will have to do what society calls “give in” a lot but when you view it as experiments and when you view it as compassion for a person that learns different than you, a person differently wired… it’s not giving in.
It’s actually the ultimate gift to create an environment where someone is allowed to be themselves and learn how their brain prefers to learn.
Now for some quick and easy strategies that Isla’s teachers and I have used to help Isla the past 2 years.
Reword the demand.
School example:
The teacher needs Isla to complete a matching exercise. She gives Isla a worksheet with two columns of fruits depicted and says, “Use the red marker to draw a line to the matching fruits.” The teacher then returns to her desk.
This will never work for Isla. A demand has been placed on her. She doesn’t recall colors very well and maybe can’t pick out the red marker. She wants attention. The teacher’s attention. Not because she is selfish or self-centered. Because it makes her feel more confident, more in control of getting the help she needs.
Let’s try this again.
The teacher needs Isla to complete a matching exercise. She assigns a paraprofessional to sit next to Isla. The paraprofessional has three markers, red, blue and yellow. She tells Isla, “Hum, the teacher said we need to use the red marker, I wish I knew which one of these was red like an apple.” (Isla’s learning disability requires her to recall with associations.) Almost immediately Isla feels needed, in control. She picks out red and the paraprofessional says, “Oh! I am so glad you knew which one was red!” Isla now feels proud, confident, helpful. The matching game continues just like that…”Man, I wish I could find which picture matches this apple.” Isla will find it every time. Matching is one of her strengths.
Home example:
We are sitting down for dinner and we all need something to drink. “Isla can you bring us four water bottles?” Uh no. She can’t. She won’t. First because she doesn’t have a good grasp of numbers and counting and because she knows she can’t figure out “four” she may refuse.
Let’s try this again.
We are sitting down for dinner and we all need something to drink. ” Isla we are all so thirsty! I wish we all had some water.” Isla springs into action and happily brings each person a bottle of water because she can associate one bottle per person way better than she can associate the number four and it puts her in a position to be helpful and in control.
Choices. Choices. Choices.
School example:
The teacher needs Isla to spend 20 minutes on math. The teacher sits Isla at her desk and hands her a worksheet that involves cutting and pasting numbers to the corresponding picture of how many apples are on a tree.
This will never work for Isla. A demand has been placed on her. She doesn’t like math at all because she doesn’t understand it very well and hates to not feel successful. She wants to be praised. Not because she is vain. Because she is insecure specifically in academics and being praised makes her feel more confident, and therefore lifts her mood.
Let’s try this again.
The teacher needs Isla to spend 20 minutes on math. The teacher knows that math is Isla’s toughest subject. So the teacher starts with a choice, “Isla we have a fun activity next! Would you like to do the activity by cutting and pasting, or on the iPad, or with blocks?
Isla chooses the iPad and now is happy and anticipating the activity.
Then the teacher gives her another choice, “Isla would you like to use the iPad at your desk or sitting in the big blue bean bag or on the exercise ball chair?
Isla chooses the big blue bean bag chair. She feels in control of her choices. She feels calm with no real “expectations” that are palpable because she led the whole way.
Higher authority
School example:
It’s time for a fire drill. Isla does not respond well to fire alarms. They are shrill and disturbing and sometimes makes her freeze. But, the teacher needs to get her out of the classroom ASAP. The teacher tells Isla, “Isla we have to go. Go get in line at the classroom door.” Isla refuses as she covers her ears and doesn’t want to budge. The teacher becomes stern, “Isla we HAVE to go now. Let’s get out quick so you won’t hear that noise anymore.” Isla’s refusal is now more prominent because the teacher’s tone was very “demanding”.
Let’s try this again.
It’s time for a fire drill. Isla does not respond well to fire alarms. They are shrill and disturbing and sometimes makes her freeze. But, the teacher needs to get her out of the classroom ASAP. The teacher tells Isla, “Isla the principal said that when we hear that sound we need to go meet outside. I will hold your hand, OK?” -or- “Isla did you know we have firefighters in our town that really want to take care of us? They said that whenever we hear this noise we need to go outside so our ears won’t hurt and we will be safe.”
This works guys. I know it sounds simplistic but placing the demand on an unseen authority figure somehow lessens the present visible demand.
Home example:
Time to get in the car and drive to school. “OK Isla girl, put your seat belt on.” Although Isla is now very good about putting on her seatbelt, this used to be a huge issue for us. Even if she did buckle up initially, she would unbuckle as soon as I turned my head to focus on the road. So then came the angry mom comments, you know the ones. “Buckle up! I said buckle up! You need to obey! Buckle up or else…” You get the point. Stronger refusal.
Let’s try this again.
Time to get in the car and drive to school. “OK Isla girl, put your seat belt on because we want for all the police officers to be very proud of us.” -or- “Hey Isla, let’s put on our seat belt because we do not want the police officers to stop mommy and give her a ticket.”
I repeat. I know it sounds simplistic but placing the demand on an unseen authority figure somehow lessens the present visible demand.
The idea has to come from Isla
For this last one I am going to end with one home scenario but you will get the point and be able to apply it easily to any situation.
Right now as I type this the world is quarantined due to coronavirus. Isla is struggling. She is home ALL DAY EVERY DAY. It is a lot. Let’s just leave it right there.
So I could offer her 20 different activities in a day and she would refuse every one because I am the one proposing them. I am the one making a demand.
So sometimes when choices fail me, I do nothing verbally. Instead, I lay something out I know she loves with a visual. Example, a new playdough box displaying pictures of the possibilities with a variety of playdough color options out and the lids popped open. No words. The playdough will just “happen” to appear on the edge of the table where she is eating right in her view. “Mom I do not want to eat I want to do playdough.”
Then I chime in, “Oh! That is a great idea! Man Isla you are so creative. I love you.”
“No matter what,” Isla replies every time.
REMINDER. DISCLAIMER. These examples and scenarios and strategies are what work for ISLA. They work for Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). They work for us. I am not a therapist. I am not a teacher. I am just a momma. A momma that has become a great investigator and scientist when it comes to MY daughter so please, take what you find helpful and respect what you don’t find useful.