hands and feet

-Mom, they were pointing at a boy and laughing and then one of them said, “Ugh! He looks totally autistic.”

-Mom, they were talking about someone and kept using the “R” word over and over and over.

-Mom, what am I supposed to say??? I can’t just let them say those things!

I replied, “Yes, you can.”

I have three children. The eldest has severe disabilities due to a rare gene disorder. The middle child just entered that notorious place all children go where personal identity is desperately trying to develop amid raging hormones which means securing social standing must occur while managing epic acne breakouts and shushing thousands of insecurities about body type and academic success. Whew. AKA: Middle school.

The baby is not really a baby anymore but still wants my hugs, snuggles and books at bedtime.

The two younger ones have experienced things at home that many don’t. They watch their mother change pull-ups and bathe, wipe and feed their almost adult sister everyday. They watch their father load and unload strollers,  wheelchairs and walkers and carry his grown daughter when necessary. They listen as we discuss insurance coverage, specialist visits, new diagnoses and waiting lists. They bear witness to a world that was not made accessible for their sister.

Their sense of justice is great.

Their sense of injustice is greater.

As my middle school daughter began to share these stories with me each evening, I had to use some strong self-reflection and awareness to make sure I guided her in a way that was best for her, not for me.

At just 12 years old, I am aware that the social construct of middle school is fragile. Say nothing and you go home feeling like the worst person in the world and self-talk turns hateful quickly as you feel like you are betraying your sister. Say too much and you are annoying and a know-it-all and the bullying rears its ugly head towards you instead.

Should justice or self-preservation prevail?

First, I gave her space to say all the things without interruption. It was loud and dramatic and there were tears. I let them fall freely.

Then with her head in my lap I told her…

-People don’t know what they don’t know.

These kids are not bad kids. They just don’t have a sister like you and they just don’t know. They really don’t. AND, it is not your job to TELL them they need to be kind. It is your calling to SHOW them what kindness looks like.

I believe Jesus wants us to be His hands and feet, not His parrot.-

So together we created a mini algorithm per se.

If she overhears someone talking about someone with disabilities with unkind words or ignorant references and she is NOT a part of the conversation- she will get up and go talk to the person being made fun of. She will introduce herself. She will ask them their name and what grade they’re in. She will ask them if they like school and what their interests are. She will make them feel seen and maybe even make a new friend.

The impact of that action not only affects those who are being unkind with a strong visual, but even more so, it loves on the person who feels like they don’t belong.

If she hears someone talking about someone with disabilities with unkind words or ignorant references and she IS a part of the conversation, without drama or anger she will casually say, “Oh! Actually my sister Isla has a lot of disabilities. She is really brave and I help take care of her so I know a lot about that life.”

If they continue to mock or be unkind, she will know that these are not her friends and we will consider this process of elimination by default,  a blessing. Her simple statement of fact will at least make them aware of who she is and what she believes without anyone feeling judged or condemned.

I ended the conversation saying…

-Remember that anyone making fun of someone else feels unsure or unkind about themselves and that is sad. Everyone is learning who they are, where they belong and what purpose they serve in this world. It’s a tricky time so be ready to hand out grace but make sure to pocket some for yourself.

You also don’t know everything and there are many areas of your life where you will be ignorant to someone else’s reality.-

Brave reader, let’s give grace. We will need it too.